Challenge Day 5: The beauty of life …. suicide and soul
January 5, 2011 Leave a comment
The thought of committing suicide never occurred to me. I do think about death and how much negativity I would escape from and it actually scared the balls out of me to think like that
. Secondary school was one of the crucial years for me. I have low self-esteem, I was made fun of. Everyone has their own personal problems that led to their depressed state. I mean, I can list all of my life problems.
1) Sec1: Some Mat disturbed me because I was wearing my shorts too short. [Mind you, my legs were proportionately long, and my waist was pretty small, so figure the math]
2) All my life: I’ve been made fun of my walk, flamboyant I guess, but the girls love it.
3) Society: You know how I’m reluctant to go to the gym, well, it bites me back in the butt because I object to such norm. I mean, for me to cut a cucumber in someone’s kitchen already makes me a woman?????…..hmm, how stereotypically fucking horrendous!! Hmm, and I’ve heard people saying that I’ll fail in life, just because I act all flamboyant. Pfft. Wait till I make a career out of being me. That would show them!
I mean I’m not a transsexual, for goodness sake. [I’m serious, I’m not]
I’m just edgy and sexy and people are jealous about it. It’s that simple!!! That’s how I calm myself down…by debasing other people.
Well, you see here, this was when I was in secondary school. In JC, it’s different, people are more mature [Thank God!] But I have to say that in my 4 years in secondary school, I was suppressing my emotions within me till, I see no reason for me to live. YA, it was that bad.
But, I tend to direct all my anger into humor and making fun of people. I don’t know how I did that [blogging], but I tend to be extra dramatic when I feel angry. [That means extra gossip juices that destroys other people’s life]
But, whenever I feel like life’s not worth it, I think about “Don’t kill myself today”. None of us knows what death would bring. I mean the good days are sure to come, no matter what.
I’m not here to tell those who feel like killing themselves that it’s not worth dying nor should I convince them that life is good. No I’m not, it’s not my right to do that. If you want to kill yourselves, just think of all the opportunities that you will accomplish if you were to not accomplish ending your “‘suffering'”. Do I make any sense?
That’s when I started letting my emotions go but not let it get the better of me. OK, I just confused myself. Did, I went to far? I guessed I lost you. Come back to me! Hahaha
So at the end of the day, my depression and thoughts of suicides all came from how society don’t accept or ‘respect the gift that I am’ (said by Paula Abdul) OK, maybe not gift, but as a human being, I’m sure I deserve the respect by other people.
SO with that, the thought of suicide should be immediately erased from your mind cause it will play tricks with you and will possibly bite you in your butt! I don’t have a butt, but it will hurt you