Drowning in fear

What’s wrong with me? I wish I could just hide underwater for all eternity.

You there. You must be giggling seeing me making silly mistakes and watching me stumble and fall like a stupid idiot.

Is there some kind of pill that could just heal my brain or something? Because I’m definitely not functioning well.

All right, so here’s the thing. I’ve been making too many mistakes and have been causing a lot of confusion and irritation in my building I’m working at.

Each time I work on something, I felt that it would help bring me up the social ladder and gain some trust. But it’s brutal.

Well, nothing I do is ever good enough. 

Just a few days ago, I was working on consolidating over 80 write-ups of employees; summarizing chunky paragraphs, de-tabling and tabling points, trying to make the whole thing reader-friendly to the big cheese of the building.

Spelling was out of the window. I mean what was supposed to me “Excused” from a certain event became “Accused”. That shaved off even more valuable time for me to finish it.

Even worse, I have to give way for certain mandatory tasks that had to be done at a particular time — Another 2 hours gone.

Once I had the computer all to myself, I plugged in my earphones and listened to songs by “Matt and Kim” [Indie pop/rock duo, love them].

Halfway to finishing consolidating all the write ups, “Haaffiii!!!”

My eyes twitched and zoomed right into his. I was  thinking what next? Am I fired ?[I’d love to] Fired from life? I had no idea.

He told me then that because of my late work, he’s so-called position has deteriorated. [And he gesticulated the point where he’s standing has dropped]

I couldn’t take it. I’ve had enough of this. I mean, I don’t even know if what I’m doing will work.

But it’s still my duty to finish the task. Sure I’m slow at all these admin work, but I was still trying to make it work for him.

Over the past few days, I’ve been wronged and I’m already used to people criticizing my mistakes like how I sent the wrong course-related emails to people. [Silly me]

After hours of sitting on my light blue chair, he came up to me. I introduced to him the new format that I came out with that way better. 3 seconds later he told me that what I did was wrong but told me to continue what I’m doing and send it to him next Monday morning.

Sure enough, I stayed back in my office for only an hour to finish up. 72 pages to be exact. And I did a content page to one can easily refer to it.

Locked up the room and left the camp feeling free.

It was refreshing to have the cool whisper of wind flirting with my ears.

It did cleared my thoughts for a while but deep inside I was still mad at myself.

But I do know this, while I’m ranting about work, there are still a couple of people in my office that deserved much more credit and empathy than I do. Mine is almost nothing as compared to theirs. So I just have to suck it up and brace myself.



2 Responses to Drowning in fear

  1. rediscoveraisyah says:

    Think he’s just bitter that his life is shit and caged in an office, Fiiz. Pucker up man, better days ahead 😉

    • fizzyfizz says:

      thx Aisyah! You always know what to say. 🙂

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