Affected by childhood (part One)

I have a theory (or maybe it was thought of eons ago) that any self-conscious problems we faced/are facing are derived from our childhood. Out of the myriads of comments that you encounter there will be a few baseless ones that would just hit you and that’s what I’m going to discuss in this post.

Before that, I’m writing this post with a disclaimer that I did not have a worst off childhood than anyone else.

This is so personal. I’m touching topics from my personality to binge eating. From my clothes to my teeth. It’s all on the table of all edge for this post. I will do a 2 part series on this; Part One: Personality and Clothing/looks and Part Two: Relationships and Diet.

Personality

I’ve been called flamboyant and have been hurled dirty words similar to that mostly in my primary and secondary school days and it resonate with me as a child. Well, I know I’m still too young to talk about this — considering it happened less than a decade ago — but from my 2 years in JC, I was never made fun of. I was never called the ‘flamboyant’ one. Everyone respected me and it was great.

So when I became comfortable with that lifestyle I could easily forget the same emotion when people hurled dirty words at me. However, after JC was when it was more or less what I’m expecting from the real world. There are a huge mix of people and of course one out of the whole lot is bound to say baseless comments about me.

Let me tell you, you can tell me that I’m a bad writer. I’m not wounded by that in my childhood so I can easily shake it off and improve on my writing. But when you come to me now and asked me why am I so flamboyant, what in Oxford’s Dictionary can I say? It would trigger the same emotions from last time; Self-hate, embarrassment, etc.

I’ve done a lot of good and selfish stuff. It’s ironic that out of all the things one could say about me, that baseless comment/question is used to pin me down and it’s a shame that it would still hurt me considering how uncalled for that was. If you called me “Coward” or “Selfish Hafish“, I don’t really care. Whatevs because I didn’t have a problem with that last time and I also am aware of that too. 

 Looks/Clothing

If anyone critiqued my looks negatively, it would set me ablaze. If people said that my hair looks really messy, even though I have acknowledged that, I’d freak out.

I can remember vividly how people would laugh at my centre parted hair gelled back with my uniform buttoned all the way up and it wounded me. So now, I take really good care of my hair and it’s maintenance when styling and I especially thought hard on what to wear so that it doesn’t get heads turn for the wrong reasons.

My teeth too; I spent over $100 worth of products to get them whitened because if you can’t straighten them, might as well get them as white as pearls. Back in Primary 2, I fell and chipped my front tooth and I didn’t smile for over 2 weeks before I went to the dentist to get it patched up.

My classmates laughed when I fell and when I smiled. I actually ran back home and cried. Wow, that was a dramatic afternoon.

Now you can still see the tip of my teeth uneven due to the dental work I did but I would still smile constantly.

At the end of it all, due to my past experiences being laughed at, my conscious mind would see that in a negative way and I’d get all paranoid. Thus, my fear to present or be on stage because I’m constantly afraid people would laugh at me.

UNTIL NEXT TIME!!

(Wow, my whole childhood just flashed before my eyes tonight)

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