Banking on pain
November 24, 2012 2 Comments
I guess it’s time for me to make my report and reflection again because I’ve been feeling really depressed lately. I’ll try to make this post very general so it can be safely seen by all (including my family) but at the end of the day you guys might figure it all out. I can’t seem to hide it all when I let all my emotions flow through my fingers.
This may not apply to everyone but did you ever feel, during your lowest point in life, that people were talking bad about you or they were making fun of you? Well, I did during last Thursday and Friday, 22rd — 23rd November 2012. It was as if everyone was looking at me when I am aware that they weren’t; every laughter that echoed were in spite of me.
The first instance was when a couple of girls were looking at me — they clearly were. And it felt so horrible. My friend, someone I felt was like an older brother to me, told me that they were checking me out. It was really sweet for him to tell me that but all I had in mind was that if they were checking out for someone good looking, it would be him and not me. Why would anyone think that I am attractive? It was such a painful 20 minutes ride in the bus for me and I couldn’t help but be silent.
Picture by Dust Magazine
Still, that happened a few weeks ago. The one I have to write about is very personal:
People can tell that I’m a flamboyant person and that has allegedly become this growing plant where people are questioning me the most awkward questions. One asked me if I had a boyfriend or not — in front of all of my friends — and another asked if I was waiting for my boyfriend when I was just sitting down, minding my own business. I am a very sensitive person but that is a very baseless question. Usually I would get these comments about once in 2 months but having a couple of such defamatory questions in just 2 days, you have no idea who depressed I felt.
During that moment, I felt selfish; I thought everyone was showing apathy against me. I hate it when my flamboyancy suddenly made me attached to someone. Nevertheless, this is something that will happen even more in the future and I just have to get used to it and build up on my emotional shield until its next fracture. Now, I’ve never felt so alone. I am questioning my identity every time and I went so silent after that till the very next afternoon when the emotions subsided.
I’m glad I got that feeling out. You have no idea how bad it felt holding all these words inside me when my laptop was not getting any internet connection. and my journal was left in my office.