Torn by guilt

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I really must be a walking omen. Whether I get myself involved in something, a mishap would come after that; either the camera lens’ not working anymore or the my parcel gets lost somewhere. Well once again I had to spoil something. I can’t comprehend the guilt I felt when the owner found out about it. The funny thing was that I did not know how the mishap could have happen. But since I was the last one using it, the fault was immediately mine to take. I just sat there silently while the owner of the device tried fixing it. Every time a sigh of disappointment and irritation was heaved, my heart stopped. I didn’t mean it to happen really. I must have unknowingly clicked something that have caused the device to react that way. Luckily, the technical breach was fixed but I still felt guilty after that because I was still blamed for it and I cowardly accepted it. I was thinking of all the instances where luck just wasn’t on my side. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been making risks because of the fear and knowledge that it wouldn’t go well.

Which is why I feel so undeserving for someone to buy a gift for me. There is this limited (almost to a state of deterioration) self-worth when it comes to receiving help or any form of gratitude. And because of that, when it comes to success, I try to pursue it on my own — even in the things I do. I do not want anyone to be involved in the process for I fear the worse could happen to them. I’m afraid of causing problems to people. I know everyone makes mistakes but when it recurs, there’s something wrong with them. And in this case, me.

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