“The harder you try, the harder you fall”, said the ugly guy

That ugly guy is me.

I’ve fallen into one of my low self-esteem moments.

Today during history class, we were supposed to discuss regarding the theme of Romanticism and present one picture that relates to the topic. As usual, I knew I had to bring something great to present to the class. And since it’s about Romanticism, what better way to reflect the recognition of imagination and sense of self than bringing on of my own painting. We were also given a set of readings that relates to the Romantic period to read up on.

I came to class all enthusiastic about sharing one of my artworks. Like any other students, I have annotated the readings with their interpretations. But when it was time to discuss, I was silent. My interpretations were inaccurate, and shallow. And I couldn’t impress this particular person. Throughout the remaining time we had left in class, I knew that something wasn’t right; I wasn’t the cheerful flamboyant guy anymore. I didn’t even manage to get myself to present in front of the class because I was reminded of my previous presentation where I screwed up and panicked.

After class, I thought of what ‘shoulda, coulda, woulda’ been done and the more I thought about it, the more horrible I felt.

I felt stupid and ugly. These two factors are indicative of my depressive mood. Even as I’m writing this, I feel as if there’s a ton of grammatical errors. Even as I’m writing this in the train, I feel that people are looking at me and making fun of the way I look and dress.

The thought of failure creeps stealthily into my head and it’s consuming everything till my very heartstrings. I guess i don’t have that higher level of thinking a university student is supposed to have. Only by being hardworking,I don’t know what I’m good at anymore. Sure, I can paint and sketch my cheesy doodles here and there but what’s the use of it when I feel so horrible about myself after every little problem I would face? I just wish that I am really talented in one aspect of life. Right now, I’m questioning my position in university and thus, the real world.

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