I’m quite fascinated with the way I’m acting and reacting to other people. This whole stretch of depression talking has made me analyse my actions more and how it has affected me and the people around me. When one is diagnosed with depression, those major and prolonged periods of sadness can seem like they are engulfed by their own problems (or a war with themselves). It’s hard to research on what lies within the minds of a depressed person because they do not have the tendency or the strength to share their problems.
But if I do a test on myself, can I claim that I am depressed? Below are some symptoms that are risk-factors to depression:
- Agitation, restlessness, and irritability (No)
- Becoming withdrawn or isolated (Yes)
- Difficulty concentrating (Yes)
- Dramatic change in appetite, often with weight gain or loss (Yes, but my weight doesn’t fluctuate)
- Fatigue and lack of energy (Yes)
- Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness (Yes)
- Feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, and guilt (Yes)
- Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed (No)
- Trouble sleeping or too much sleeping (No)
- Thoughts of death or suicide (Yes, but let me just explain this:I do not have thoughts of committing suicide, I only have thoughts on how better the life would be for other people if I weren’t around and if I were to ever take my own life, it can drastically change their lives for the worst)
Now with 7 out of 10 factors I claim to have, does that still make me fall under depression? I’ve even noticed how my sketched has been revolving around the theme of death. Last time, my sketches were filled with vibrant colours and now, the colours just does not flow well when I hold a paintbrush anymore. And even when I do, it’s more of me forcing myself to inject at least 2 colours into it.
Another factor that I have realized is that I find it hard to write in a positive tone. The work I’m writing on involves a good ending but I just can’t seem to end it. The climatic and depressing scenes were very easy to write; it flowed like honey from my fingers with unsurpassable fluidity. But if I force a good ending in the story, it might not connect to what I’m feeling right now.
Do I still call myself a Depressed person? It’s like Anorexia with me. People have been telling me that I have weight problems and I do. I still want look skinnier in my face and that’s a problem but claiming that one has Anorexia, does that make them one? I’m confused by what is true anymore.
Of course depression can lead to psychosomatic symptoms to the patient but what about work? To have such low self-esteem and a feeling of hopelessness, one can get very pessimistic about life. In fact, I just turned down a casting for a job as a regular promoter. And such job scopes involves being cheerful and relatable. I have such low confidence in myself and forcing myself to be cheerful would be so difficult. If I hadn’t be so pessimistic or have greater belief in myself, I could have gained so much experience with that opportunity.
Sometimes I also wonder why people are talking to me. Even to those I adore so much, certain times felt like I do not deserve their presence. There are some of the most amazing people around me and I feel that they are better off talking or befriending other people. I am hurting myself by my own mind.
And for the people around me? I owe them such a huge apology to exude so much negative energy and become a party pooper. And to deliberately show aloofness to someone when they do not deserve so made me so guilty. They say if you talk to your friends about your problems it will take off a huge load of your shoulder but in a mind of a depressed person, it’s alleged that they might feel that you are not really interested and it’s not worth their time to listen to your story. Not only that, another realization of you being selfish might also arise. How can one handle those emotions?; you’re already having analytic thoughts of your actions.
Does it then classify my problems under Depression?