“The harder you try, the harder you fall”, said the ugly guy

That ugly guy is me.

I’ve fallen into one of my low self-esteem moments.

Today during history class, we were supposed to discuss regarding the theme of Romanticism and present one picture that relates to the topic. As usual, I knew I had to bring something great to present to the class. And since it’s about Romanticism, what better way to reflect the recognition of imagination and sense of self than bringing on of my own painting. We were also given a set of readings that relates to the Romantic period to read up on.

I came to class all enthusiastic about sharing one of my artworks. Like any other students, I have annotated the readings with their interpretations. But when it was time to discuss, I was silent. My interpretations were inaccurate, and shallow. And I couldn’t impress this particular person. Throughout the remaining time we had left in class, I knew that something wasn’t right; I wasn’t the cheerful flamboyant guy anymore. I didn’t even manage to get myself to present in front of the class because I was reminded of my previous presentation where I screwed up and panicked.

After class, I thought of what ‘shoulda, coulda, woulda’ been done and the more I thought about it, the more horrible I felt.

I felt stupid and ugly. These two factors are indicative of my depressive mood. Even as I’m writing this, I feel as if there’s a ton of grammatical errors. Even as I’m writing this in the train, I feel that people are looking at me and making fun of the way I look and dress.

The thought of failure creeps stealthily into my head and it’s consuming everything till my very heartstrings. I guess i don’t have that higher level of thinking a university student is supposed to have. Only by being hardworking,I don’t know what I’m good at anymore. Sure, I can paint and sketch my cheesy doodles here and there but what’s the use of it when I feel so horrible about myself after every little problem I would face? I just wish that I am really talented in one aspect of life. Right now, I’m questioning my position in university and thus, the real world.

Deathly contemplations

Do not weep beside my death-bed,
I am not dead, I am just asleep.
And do not wait for me while I’m in slumber,
I am not asleep, I am just dead.

Do not think of me when I’m alive,
But do not forget me for my deeds.
And do not forget me when I’m gone,
But do not remember me for my sins.

Was it you who sat beside me in my weakest of days?
How did I sound?

Was it you under the sheets with me at night?
How was it?

And was it you in the end
that covered me up with white sheets?
What happened?

How did I look?

First self-published book!!! The Rambling Man

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I’ve been working on this book for over 2 years now and it’s finally done. I’m dedicating this post for my debut of my first self-published book, “The Rambling Man”, a coming of age book about a person battling with low self-esteem and self-worth to be a better human being. I’ve made the characters non-gender specific because I want the readers to be able to link the characters with their people revolving around them. Characters include; the protagonist, the Little Robin, The Life-giver, the birch tree, the orb weaver and other characters to contribute to the illusion of a world I have created.

Remember this? It’s my first draft I typed out in my office place when I had some free time.

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“The Rambling Man” is an illustrated novel: one part illustration and another prose. Putting together this book triggered this whole other creative process and it dawned on me that not only is this a novel, it’s also a piece of art work. Deriving most of my ideas from my sketches, it seemed that I have unconsciously created this narrative with my illustrations and they happened to be connected in a way. What seemed to be a creation turned out to also be a puzzle being put together; a process to figure out what lies behind the mind of the author.

There have been contemplations about my novel to be purple prose but I deliberately did that to reflect the true essence of a teenager’s mind. What better for exaggeration to take place here. One moment the protagonist is sinking into a pool of quicksand and another, talking to a Robin while smoking marijuana. I made hyperbolic references to nature and how they interact with each other.

I highly recommend you to get the eBook https://payhip.com/b/k9S4. Not only is it much cheaper but the illustrations pop out more on screen. I, on the other hand, needed to get a tangible piece of my work.

It can’t thank enough to those who have read my manuscript and while it has been a difficult journey, this book serves more of a catharsis than any other and I can actually move on from it. It’s been such a great experience and I can’t wait to create something new. In fact, I have 2 other ideas for my next book project; one dealing with domestic violence while the other is about a series of paintings that deals with the little bits sadness in life.

Here’s the preview!!!

An escape inside h…
By Hafiiz Karim
Until next time!! Oh how can I forget to thank Blurb for everything?!

Torn by guilt

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I really must be a walking omen. Whether I get myself involved in something, a mishap would come after that; either the camera lens’ not working anymore or the my parcel gets lost somewhere. Well once again I had to spoil something. I can’t comprehend the guilt I felt when the owner found out about it. The funny thing was that I did not know how the mishap could have happen. But since I was the last one using it, the fault was immediately mine to take. I just sat there silently while the owner of the device tried fixing it. Every time a sigh of disappointment and irritation was heaved, my heart stopped. I didn’t mean it to happen really. I must have unknowingly clicked something that have caused the device to react that way. Luckily, the technical breach was fixed but I still felt guilty after that because I was still blamed for it and I cowardly accepted it. I was thinking of all the instances where luck just wasn’t on my side. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been making risks because of the fear and knowledge that it wouldn’t go well.

Which is why I feel so undeserving for someone to buy a gift for me. There is this limited (almost to a state of deterioration) self-worth when it comes to receiving help or any form of gratitude. And because of that, when it comes to success, I try to pursue it on my own — even in the things I do. I do not want anyone to be involved in the process for I fear the worse could happen to them. I’m afraid of causing problems to people. I know everyone makes mistakes but when it recurs, there’s something wrong with them. And in this case, me.

Thoughts leading to nowhere

“I don’t feel so good today. It’s as if my soul wanted to leave me”

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I’m not feeling so good today. There wasn’t anything specific that happened today that could have contributed to what I’m feeling right now. In fact, today was a great one; I went out with my sister and she bought me a cold pressed water color paper. But as of now, I feel like there’s something wrong — that feeling when you feel like the world’s not rotating up to its speed; the temperature’s not right; the water’s too tepid; you’re breathing harder than usual; you think of all sorts of things.

It’s not sadness really. I just feel like I’m not a part of this world. And in some instances that feeling could be great and I’d want to stay in that place forever but this time it’s different. Maybe I do not want to be aware of myself to live. I don’t know. I hate it when I’m thinking too much again. A good friend of mine has been helping me a lot but he does not know that. Well, that’s what I’m thinking. Usually, I’ll just replay the advice he gave me and implement it.

I guess I get comfort from it. Have you ever felt that really calming feeling when someone is just by your side and is helping you? Let’s say it’s a teacher going through a problem sum beside you and helps me make sense of the problem. Let’s say it’s a friend who’s just sitting right beside you and talk about random things or having those “Remember when … ” moments. I’ve always loved these kind of moments.

Did I mention that my hair was short now? I probably did. Never knew how short hair could make me look so refreshed. And I know that what I’m feeling now is not because of how I think I look like. In fact, I feel great about it. It is comforting isn’t it, to know that you are looking good on a particular day? My skin is also clearing up now. Maybe it’s my change in diet (I’m cutting down on my junk food) or the fact that I’m changing my pillow cover every week or the fact that I’m drinking more green tea with honey.

I don’t know.

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