“The harder you try, the harder you fall”, said the ugly guy

That ugly guy is me.

I’ve fallen into one of my low self-esteem moments.

Today during history class, we were supposed to discuss regarding the theme of Romanticism and present one picture that relates to the topic. As usual, I knew I had to bring something great to present to the class. And since it’s about Romanticism, what better way to reflect the recognition of imagination and sense of self than bringing on of my own painting. We were also given a set of readings that relates to the Romantic period to read up on.

I came to class all enthusiastic about sharing one of my artworks. Like any other students, I have annotated the readings with their interpretations. But when it was time to discuss, I was silent. My interpretations were inaccurate, and shallow. And I couldn’t impress this particular person. Throughout the remaining time we had left in class, I knew that something wasn’t right; I wasn’t the cheerful flamboyant guy anymore. I didn’t even manage to get myself to present in front of the class because I was reminded of my previous presentation where I screwed up and panicked.

After class, I thought of what ‘shoulda, coulda, woulda’ been done and the more I thought about it, the more horrible I felt.

I felt stupid and ugly. These two factors are indicative of my depressive mood. Even as I’m writing this, I feel as if there’s a ton of grammatical errors. Even as I’m writing this in the train, I feel that people are looking at me and making fun of the way I look and dress.

The thought of failure creeps stealthily into my head and it’s consuming everything till my very heartstrings. I guess i don’t have that higher level of thinking a university student is supposed to have. Only by being hardworking,I don’t know what I’m good at anymore. Sure, I can paint and sketch my cheesy doodles here and there but what’s the use of it when I feel so horrible about myself after every little problem I would face? I just wish that I am really talented in one aspect of life. Right now, I’m questioning my position in university and thus, the real world.

Not a well-rounded human being

“The lady in a red corset”

sketch 24

I still do not know what I’m really good at or what I can specialize in. Ever since secondary school, studying pure science and Additional Mathematics, I appreciated art and English even more. Like any other child, I was brought up with to live my parents’ expectations of being a doctor. And I did believe what they said and took it seriously. I was reading encyclopedias and other scientific books. Well, you can say that my foundation for English was bad.

So now, having great interest in writing and art, I’m battling with myself whether I’m good enough or not to pursue such fields. I’m good at writing but I’m not fantastic at it. (I mean, I can come up with a cheesy rhyme or two) The same goes for Art; I have such great appreciation for both creative fields because I can easily put all my problems aside and they can put me into another world where I can be myself.

What do I really want to be? An artist, writer, magazine columnist, cartoonist, essayist etc. Once I thought to myself, “Wouldn’t it be easier if I had just continued my education in the more scientific/engineering field?” NAH! I’ve already opted for the other route though (Arts and Social Sciences).

Now that I’m here, how then do I make it work?

I thought I could be a …

When I was in Primary School, the only thing that kept me excited about Physical Education was the gymnastic lessons. Those were the days when I truly shined. I was great at it; the handstand, some contorted position, beam exercises and all.

Of course they were basic ones, I was so young. Did I mention I aced it? I actually thought that my future could be in gymnastics. They had so much strength and grace. It was a form of art I truly appreciate; the same goes with all types of art.

Well, as I grew, my joints hardened (I can’t even touch my toes) and I became a walking stick. And boy, that’s fine with me!

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