It’s happening again

I write to express,
I sketch to suppress,
then I come back to reality
having to live it again once more.

sketch 12

I thought, I really thought that last week I was going to get better. I felt better for about 4 consecutive days and it’s been a long time since I actually felt good about myself for that long of a period of time. You know that feeling, you don’t have to wear the best clothes, you don’t have to have a well-sculptured hair-do, you didn’t necessarily lost weight. You just know for a fact that everything around you is well.

All it took was one comment to bring me back to where I was. And I hate that about me; I take things too seriously. It wasn’t a derogatory comment against me (although that too could bring me back to where I was) but it was a comment that made me think. I hate it when I think too much, it just leads to greater possible reasons to why I’m not worthy enough for anyone to talk to or like me. I guess this is what happens when you are too close to someone and you happened to like that person really much and you feel guilty because you know it’s wrong.

But believe me, if I were to follow my desires I’d continue communicating and do what others would do if they like a particular person. When the person’s there and I’m free, I love the company we have and everything’s all right. But right now, I’m thinking from a realist’s point of view. I do this when my thoughts are all muddled up.

 

I need help.

Until next time

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Challenge Day 3: Silent Menscape

Challenge Day 3: Write about something ugly — war, fear, hate, cruelty — but find the beauty (silver lining) in it.

(look at my beautiful stick-like fingers -_- I just had to model my own artwork)

mask 2

I actually completed this in a week ago using only newspaper, tissue paper, acrylic paint, bandage and a few of my mum’s embroidery chains. I have to confess: Neil Buchanan from Art Attack taught me how to do this. Talk about elementary level of art work. Anyways with the 2013 writing challenge, this piece I worked on hold an issue worth writing about in Challenge Day 3. I just hope I give the issue justice.

“Silent Menscape” presents a hidden social problem of the subjugation of men. It depicts a man being abused, both physically and sexually. (After having oral sex)

There is an association to the African masks to reflect the hurt and suffer the African American slaves have gone through during the early United states and how they have suppressed these emotions.

And while a mask hides one’s true emotions, I chose to use this object of protection of one’s identity to reveal the issue that lies beneath the weaker men. It also suggests anonymity and that everyone can be subjected to hurt and abuse in a relationship.

mask 1

The chains that are stuck to random parts of the face are product or result after oral sex. The O-shaped mouth clearly suggests the aforementioned; an act of the submissive; a loss of power. Both the idea of the reversal of gender roles and sexual abuse creates a controversial topic of same-sex relationships.

One might also say that this could be an act of molestation as the question of oral sex being pleasurable or tortured can be discussed.

Where then does the silver lining comes in? 

You’ve probably heard of “The abuse of beauty”, but how about “The beauty of abuse”? How can one see the light of such outrageous problems?

I guess through art, we are able to raise awareness of this silent issue. And in some way, love and compassion is what we need to approach victims of abuse and heal them so they (both genders) are able to get out of an abusive relationship only to become more stronger.

Depression, what it may seem.

I’m quite fascinated with the way I’m acting and reacting to other people. This whole stretch of depression talking has made me analyse my actions more and how it has affected me and the people around me. When one is diagnosed with depression, those major and prolonged periods of sadness can seem like they are engulfed by their own problems (or a war with themselves). It’s hard to research on what lies within the minds of a depressed person because they do not have the tendency or the strength to share their problems.

FACTORS

But if I do a test on myself, can I claim that I am depressed? Below are some symptoms that are risk-factors to depression:

  • Agitation, restlessness, and irritability (No)
  • Becoming withdrawn or isolated (Yes)
  • Difficulty concentrating (Yes)
  • Dramatic change in appetite, often with weight gain or loss (Yes, but my weight doesn’t fluctuate)
  • Fatigue and lack of energy (Yes)
  • Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness (Yes)
  • Feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, and guilt (Yes)
  • Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed (No)
  • Trouble sleeping or too much sleeping (No)
  • Thoughts of death or suicide (Yes, but let me just explain this:I do not have thoughts of committing suicide, I only have thoughts on how better the life would be for other people if I weren’t around and if I were to ever take my own life, it can drastically change their lives for the worst)

Now with 7 out of 10 factors I claim to have, does that still make me fall under depression? I’ve even noticed how my sketched has been revolving around the theme of death. Last time, my sketches were filled with vibrant colours and now, the colours just does not flow well when I hold a paintbrush anymore. And even when I do, it’s more of me forcing myself to inject at least 2 colours into it.

Another factor that I have realized is that I find it hard to write in a positive tone. The work I’m writing on involves a good ending but I just can’t seem to end it. The climatic and depressing scenes were very easy to write; it flowed like honey from my fingers with unsurpassable fluidity. But if I force a good ending in the story, it might not connect to what I’m feeling right now.

Do I still call myself a Depressed person? It’s like Anorexia with me. People have been telling me that I have weight problems and I do. I still want look skinnier in my face and that’s a problem but claiming that one has Anorexia, does that make them one? I’m confused by what is true anymore.

CONSEQUENCES 

Of course depression can lead to psychosomatic symptoms to the patient but what about work? To have such low self-esteem and a feeling of hopelessness, one can get very pessimistic about life. In fact, I just turned down a casting for a job as a regular promoter. And such job scopes involves being cheerful and relatable. I have such low confidence in myself and forcing myself to be cheerful would be so difficult. If I hadn’t be so pessimistic or have greater belief in myself, I could have gained so much experience with that opportunity.

Sometimes I also wonder why people are talking to me. Even to those I adore so much, certain times felt like I do not deserve their presence. There are some of the most amazing people around me and I feel that they are better off talking or befriending other people. I am hurting myself by my own mind.

And for the people around me? I owe them such a huge apology to exude so much negative energy and become a party pooper. And to deliberately show aloofness to someone when they do not deserve so made me so guilty. They say if you talk to your friends about your problems it will take off a huge load of your shoulder but in a mind of a depressed person, it’s alleged that they might feel that you are not really interested and it’s not worth their time to listen to your story. Not only that, another realization of you being selfish might also arise. How can one handle those emotions?; you’re already having analytic thoughts of your actions.

Does it then classify my problems under Depression?

Eat your veggies right!

In my previous post, “Turned into animals“, I talked about how we have all, in one way or another, exhibit a certain characteristic of an animal. I can safely say that I’m a cow.

I’m a picky eater but when it comes to vegetables, I’m not a particular eater. I just do not like lady’s fingers. That vegetable shown in the picture, I do not know what it’s called but it’s as bitter as burnt rubber. In the midst of chewing during the photo taking did I realize that I was suppose to couple it with a sauce. It was a traumatic experience.

Besides, if I can swallow that pile of leaves, I can surely take in the bitterness in life. Why do I always link up random acts into my depressive life, you ask? Well, I can’t answer that. And if a sense of bitterness can act like a warning signal, why then are we still consuming food that are bitter?

If we can, under all that bitter taste, see the benefit of such product, be it vegetables or a task at work, then wouldn’t it be worth it? Even for that short moment of distaste, you just know that there is something better coming next. And while the pessimists still hope lesser that others, there are others who will bounce back on their feet.

So let’s not allow the injustices of life make us bitter in the first place.

If only there’s a fruit or a drug that could change me and make me a better person. 

UNTIL NEXT TIME

 

Take the bite of silence

It’s good to talk to your friends about anything under the sun and you’ll feel like there’s always that one person who would understand what you are going through; that’s friends with benefits.

Now, when the weighing scale is tipped with the burden of maintaining that friendship, you get this dilemma on whether it’s worth keeping a friend that would eventually cost you (literally or not). I’m all for friends with benefits and against toxic friends (if there is anyone who just gives you this negative and toxic energy, it’s best to avoid it). But what if that friend makes you smile all the time but there’s one thing that just makes you think twice about the relationship? What do you do?

Do you:

a) Question the stage of friendship you two are at? (Whether it’s best to be hi-bye friends, or otherwise)

b) Not let that one obstacle ruin such alleged perfect friendship?

Here is how I see it now: hiding behind my friend’s assurance and pretending that what was said is the truth. And then suffering and burning in the end. But the thing is, I am suffused with a sense that there’s more out there than the ‘truth’. And while it’s unwise for me to just throw away such friendship — considering how rare it is to hold onto it — I’m still being covered by this black cloak that is draining me but I am constantly putting on a mask to hide my emotions.

Why then to I ask you to stay away from such toxic friends when I am keeping the toxin within? There are so many ways to release those toxins from your body but it starts with yourself, or in my case, me. If not, I’ll never feel free for there’s the bedevilling of being poisoned.

Still, you take what you get right?

UNTIL NEXT TIME

 

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