“The harder you try, the harder you fall”, said the ugly guy

That ugly guy is me.

I’ve fallen into one of my low self-esteem moments.

Today during history class, we were supposed to discuss regarding the theme of Romanticism and present one picture that relates to the topic. As usual, I knew I had to bring something great to present to the class. And since it’s about Romanticism, what better way to reflect the recognition of imagination and sense of self than bringing on of my own painting. We were also given a set of readings that relates to the Romantic period to read up on.

I came to class all enthusiastic about sharing one of my artworks. Like any other students, I have annotated the readings with their interpretations. But when it was time to discuss, I was silent. My interpretations were inaccurate, and shallow. And I couldn’t impress this particular person. Throughout the remaining time we had left in class, I knew that something wasn’t right; I wasn’t the cheerful flamboyant guy anymore. I didn’t even manage to get myself to present in front of the class because I was reminded of my previous presentation where I screwed up and panicked.

After class, I thought of what ‘shoulda, coulda, woulda’ been done and the more I thought about it, the more horrible I felt.

I felt stupid and ugly. These two factors are indicative of my depressive mood. Even as I’m writing this, I feel as if there’s a ton of grammatical errors. Even as I’m writing this in the train, I feel that people are looking at me and making fun of the way I look and dress.

The thought of failure creeps stealthily into my head and it’s consuming everything till my very heartstrings. I guess i don’t have that higher level of thinking a university student is supposed to have. Only by being hardworking,I don’t know what I’m good at anymore. Sure, I can paint and sketch my cheesy doodles here and there but what’s the use of it when I feel so horrible about myself after every little problem I would face? I just wish that I am really talented in one aspect of life. Right now, I’m questioning my position in university and thus, the real world.

Losing yourself in growth

“I didn’t know who I was standing on top of until I realized that person was me”

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You pledge to always improve yourself; to grow into a more successful person that you forgot the person you were before. After being in Junior College did I decide to not lose myself in all these attempts to climb up the career ladder. It’s hard to balance your own identity and the hunger to succeed. And while some people see no reason to look back at our past, I see the past as the present and that who we were before have helped us in some way and we owe it to ‘them’.

I didn’t want to be a part of that boring academia all my life. Creativity fills me and I want to bring that part into my University life. I don’t know how but I want to be free, expressive and as cliched as this sounds, be myself. Maybe my shy nature has prevented me from letting people know who I really am. But then again once I do that, I might be afraid that people will not like what they see. I’ve been building this wall around me and it’s hurting me for it’s fear that I’ve cemented the bricks together with.

A confused teenager becomes of me while I try to push away the fears that I have reared all my life. What does it take to remove them from my system?

If only there’s a better way.

I am afraid of/that …

So last Friday I did this self-help activity and I want to share it with you guys. I can say without stammering that I have problems — Everyone does but it’s just how you see it. I’m one being that has taken in too much negative energy around me and myself that I’m about to self-destruct. Fear has taken over my life and it’s creeping all over me.

I believe that taking out all of the negative energy can be very helpful. If I hadn’t been writing or sketching with all of my emotions, I could have ended my life 3 years ago. That, I’ll put a stamp on.

I wrote down all the things I’m afraid of and the first 2 points I wrote were about pleasing people. It just goes to show how I want to make everything right for everyone — in the image of what’s right to them. From pleasing people, I went down to the material things in life and I went way deep into my identity.

The 3 most scariest things I wrote were:

“I am afraid of  dying …(too dark to write here)”
“I am afraid that I will be unattractive to people’s eyes”
” I am afraid that I will never accept my identity and will live a life of regret”
 

It was a draining half and hour experience for me but here’s the turning point: to rewrite all the points and reject all the negative worlds and phrases like “I am afraid of …” or “not”.

So from “I am afraid of failure” I rewrote it to “I will find success in life”

You see, it’s always easy to find fault and the imperfections in life and not the positive things. So by denying all the self-doubt in those sentences, one’s able to be focused and work on the things they are having problems with.

So try this exercise out. I know there are some skeptics out there who finds this weird but it’s all right. A close friend of mine asked what I was doing and I told him about this reflection I was doing and he gave me a look of puzzlement. At the end of the day, no one else is doing the healing except for you. So, I’ve made my first step and I’m proud of it.

UNTIL NEXT TIME!!

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