Poisoning minds

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Are we aware of those who are poisoning us?

Are we aware that we might be poisoning others?

I am always thinking of what others think of me that I’m poisoning myself by doing so. And if I don’t stop, with time, I will lose a part of myself — one by one till the last look of myself in the mirror. Feeling like a handicapped, I wasn’t able to do things for myself and I’m being brought/lead to places I do not want to go. As I’m being carried over to the edge of a cliff, I’m breathing life into insanity.

“What was your name?” said I to the people beneath my breathing. I have forgotten their names. But it happens to make no difference of what I say.

I’m probably dead before they kill me.

 

 

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Escaping change

It changes you

 

A state of change is like being your nudity; to leave everything behind. This stage of being undressed reveals more of who we are than just our skin and human anatomy; our instincts, our impulses that triggers the change and awareness of ourselves.

We fear that change could make us worst than we already are. I know I am. And the more I go on with my life of stagnancy, the more I feel trapped and angry — Angry at myself. These strange and otherworldly images of change also recount to being in a journey of self-discovery and enlightenment.

We all face trials and tribulation and beyond all things that live lies a greater power that sees them in a way for us to jump over. And that’s when we find out who we really are; the person who has faced all odds to be in his/her place today.

 

Depression, what it may seem.

I’m quite fascinated with the way I’m acting and reacting to other people. This whole stretch of depression talking has made me analyse my actions more and how it has affected me and the people around me. When one is diagnosed with depression, those major and prolonged periods of sadness can seem like they are engulfed by their own problems (or a war with themselves). It’s hard to research on what lies within the minds of a depressed person because they do not have the tendency or the strength to share their problems.

FACTORS

But if I do a test on myself, can I claim that I am depressed? Below are some symptoms that are risk-factors to depression:

  • Agitation, restlessness, and irritability (No)
  • Becoming withdrawn or isolated (Yes)
  • Difficulty concentrating (Yes)
  • Dramatic change in appetite, often with weight gain or loss (Yes, but my weight doesn’t fluctuate)
  • Fatigue and lack of energy (Yes)
  • Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness (Yes)
  • Feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, and guilt (Yes)
  • Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed (No)
  • Trouble sleeping or too much sleeping (No)
  • Thoughts of death or suicide (Yes, but let me just explain this:I do not have thoughts of committing suicide, I only have thoughts on how better the life would be for other people if I weren’t around and if I were to ever take my own life, it can drastically change their lives for the worst)

Now with 7 out of 10 factors I claim to have, does that still make me fall under depression? I’ve even noticed how my sketched has been revolving around the theme of death. Last time, my sketches were filled with vibrant colours and now, the colours just does not flow well when I hold a paintbrush anymore. And even when I do, it’s more of me forcing myself to inject at least 2 colours into it.

Another factor that I have realized is that I find it hard to write in a positive tone. The work I’m writing on involves a good ending but I just can’t seem to end it. The climatic and depressing scenes were very easy to write; it flowed like honey from my fingers with unsurpassable fluidity. But if I force a good ending in the story, it might not connect to what I’m feeling right now.

Do I still call myself a Depressed person? It’s like Anorexia with me. People have been telling me that I have weight problems and I do. I still want look skinnier in my face and that’s a problem but claiming that one has Anorexia, does that make them one? I’m confused by what is true anymore.

CONSEQUENCES 

Of course depression can lead to psychosomatic symptoms to the patient but what about work? To have such low self-esteem and a feeling of hopelessness, one can get very pessimistic about life. In fact, I just turned down a casting for a job as a regular promoter. And such job scopes involves being cheerful and relatable. I have such low confidence in myself and forcing myself to be cheerful would be so difficult. If I hadn’t be so pessimistic or have greater belief in myself, I could have gained so much experience with that opportunity.

Sometimes I also wonder why people are talking to me. Even to those I adore so much, certain times felt like I do not deserve their presence. There are some of the most amazing people around me and I feel that they are better off talking or befriending other people. I am hurting myself by my own mind.

And for the people around me? I owe them such a huge apology to exude so much negative energy and become a party pooper. And to deliberately show aloofness to someone when they do not deserve so made me so guilty. They say if you talk to your friends about your problems it will take off a huge load of your shoulder but in a mind of a depressed person, it’s alleged that they might feel that you are not really interested and it’s not worth their time to listen to your story. Not only that, another realization of you being selfish might also arise. How can one handle those emotions?; you’re already having analytic thoughts of your actions.

Does it then classify my problems under Depression?

Eat your veggies right!

In my previous post, “Turned into animals“, I talked about how we have all, in one way or another, exhibit a certain characteristic of an animal. I can safely say that I’m a cow.

I’m a picky eater but when it comes to vegetables, I’m not a particular eater. I just do not like lady’s fingers. That vegetable shown in the picture, I do not know what it’s called but it’s as bitter as burnt rubber. In the midst of chewing during the photo taking did I realize that I was suppose to couple it with a sauce. It was a traumatic experience.

Besides, if I can swallow that pile of leaves, I can surely take in the bitterness in life. Why do I always link up random acts into my depressive life, you ask? Well, I can’t answer that. And if a sense of bitterness can act like a warning signal, why then are we still consuming food that are bitter?

If we can, under all that bitter taste, see the benefit of such product, be it vegetables or a task at work, then wouldn’t it be worth it? Even for that short moment of distaste, you just know that there is something better coming next. And while the pessimists still hope lesser that others, there are others who will bounce back on their feet.

So let’s not allow the injustices of life make us bitter in the first place.

If only there’s a fruit or a drug that could change me and make me a better person. 

UNTIL NEXT TIME

 

I am afraid of/that …

So last Friday I did this self-help activity and I want to share it with you guys. I can say without stammering that I have problems — Everyone does but it’s just how you see it. I’m one being that has taken in too much negative energy around me and myself that I’m about to self-destruct. Fear has taken over my life and it’s creeping all over me.

I believe that taking out all of the negative energy can be very helpful. If I hadn’t been writing or sketching with all of my emotions, I could have ended my life 3 years ago. That, I’ll put a stamp on.

I wrote down all the things I’m afraid of and the first 2 points I wrote were about pleasing people. It just goes to show how I want to make everything right for everyone — in the image of what’s right to them. From pleasing people, I went down to the material things in life and I went way deep into my identity.

The 3 most scariest things I wrote were:

“I am afraid of  dying …(too dark to write here)”
“I am afraid that I will be unattractive to people’s eyes”
” I am afraid that I will never accept my identity and will live a life of regret”
 

It was a draining half and hour experience for me but here’s the turning point: to rewrite all the points and reject all the negative worlds and phrases like “I am afraid of …” or “not”.

So from “I am afraid of failure” I rewrote it to “I will find success in life”

You see, it’s always easy to find fault and the imperfections in life and not the positive things. So by denying all the self-doubt in those sentences, one’s able to be focused and work on the things they are having problems with.

So try this exercise out. I know there are some skeptics out there who finds this weird but it’s all right. A close friend of mine asked what I was doing and I told him about this reflection I was doing and he gave me a look of puzzlement. At the end of the day, no one else is doing the healing except for you. So, I’ve made my first step and I’m proud of it.

UNTIL NEXT TIME!!

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