“The harder you try, the harder you fall”, said the ugly guy

That ugly guy is me.

I’ve fallen into one of my low self-esteem moments.

Today during history class, we were supposed to discuss regarding the theme of Romanticism and present one picture that relates to the topic. As usual, I knew I had to bring something great to present to the class. And since it’s about Romanticism, what better way to reflect the recognition of imagination and sense of self than bringing on of my own painting. We were also given a set of readings that relates to the Romantic period to read up on.

I came to class all enthusiastic about sharing one of my artworks. Like any other students, I have annotated the readings with their interpretations. But when it was time to discuss, I was silent. My interpretations were inaccurate, and shallow. And I couldn’t impress this particular person. Throughout the remaining time we had left in class, I knew that something wasn’t right; I wasn’t the cheerful flamboyant guy anymore. I didn’t even manage to get myself to present in front of the class because I was reminded of my previous presentation where I screwed up and panicked.

After class, I thought of what ‘shoulda, coulda, woulda’ been done and the more I thought about it, the more horrible I felt.

I felt stupid and ugly. These two factors are indicative of my depressive mood. Even as I’m writing this, I feel as if there’s a ton of grammatical errors. Even as I’m writing this in the train, I feel that people are looking at me and making fun of the way I look and dress.

The thought of failure creeps stealthily into my head and it’s consuming everything till my very heartstrings. I guess i don’t have that higher level of thinking a university student is supposed to have. Only by being hardworking,I don’t know what I’m good at anymore. Sure, I can paint and sketch my cheesy doodles here and there but what’s the use of it when I feel so horrible about myself after every little problem I would face? I just wish that I am really talented in one aspect of life. Right now, I’m questioning my position in university and thus, the real world.

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Losing yourself in growth

“I didn’t know who I was standing on top of until I realized that person was me”

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You pledge to always improve yourself; to grow into a more successful person that you forgot the person you were before. After being in Junior College did I decide to not lose myself in all these attempts to climb up the career ladder. It’s hard to balance your own identity and the hunger to succeed. And while some people see no reason to look back at our past, I see the past as the present and that who we were before have helped us in some way and we owe it to ‘them’.

I didn’t want to be a part of that boring academia all my life. Creativity fills me and I want to bring that part into my University life. I don’t know how but I want to be free, expressive and as cliched as this sounds, be myself. Maybe my shy nature has prevented me from letting people know who I really am. But then again once I do that, I might be afraid that people will not like what they see. I’ve been building this wall around me and it’s hurting me for it’s fear that I’ve cemented the bricks together with.

A confused teenager becomes of me while I try to push away the fears that I have reared all my life. What does it take to remove them from my system?

If only there’s a better way.

“Daddy, I like this man”

“Daddy, I like this man”

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I must say, that one hit me hard. No one has ever said that to me before. So my niece said that. Young? Try 2 years old. Or maybe she’s 3. (Today was the third time I saw her, so it’s not like I had enough time to know the whole of my family tree)

I was just sitting on the couch and I saw her holding a plastic chicken drumstick. Of course I had to smile at this little lady. She looked at me and I looked back at her. That’s when she said it. Don’t ask me what she was thinking because I have no idea. I wasn’t looking at my best, so that’s not one of them. I definitely believe there’s no positive energy circulating around me for her to pick up from.

Call me melodramatic or an egoistic person but I was thinking of all the times I wanted people to like me. And that is something I have to get out of because I know very well that not all will accept me or like me. Even I don’t like myself and to have someone say that, it puts things in perspective on what I should really be thinking of.

I’m beginning to see the depressive trails now and I better stop. I hope all of you had a great weekend.

Until next time!!

What’s your love language?

Love Language scores

So I did this quiz to discover my love language and surprisingly, I have “Receiving gifts” and “Physical Touch” that tied with each other. I did this quiz twice because initially, I was solely doing this quiz with a particular person whom I admire in my head and not in general about those I love like my friends and family. I can say though that having 4 of the love languages with close scores makes sense to me.

Take the test here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

Strongest love language 1: Receiving Gifts

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I’m a gift-giver. Those in my workplace would know that very well; I’d make birthday cards for my colleague, I’d buy candy canes and tie little messages on them for Christmas/New Year, I’d present a sketch of mine to almost all of my colleagues. Even during my birthday, I’d appreciate the presents that were given to me.

Strongest love language 2: Physical Touch

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Don’t be surprised by this because I am too. I’m not a very touchy person in general. I avoid hugs, cuddling, kisses but I do appreciate them. While I was doing this quiz, there’s this internal conflict. While I do want to show affections from physical touch there’s this voice in my head that chants, “You’re not worth it” and I am afraid that it would not reciprocate back. Maybe that’s why. As for the flip side, why I don’t allow or why I cringe when someone hugs me is because such acts of affection were once being misused against me and I felt uncomfortable ever since.

And because of that incident, I am sensitive to the topic of abusing relationships and that has blocked me from allowing “Physical Touch” even when I do need them.

Weakest love language: Acts of Service

This particular love language I suppose I often misinterpret or ignore. Be it from helping me in a particular task or teaching me something, I sometimes do get the tingly feeling from that significant other but I see it more of random acts of kindness rather than a love language. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy helping people.

Words of affirmations

While I was doing this quiz, I saw “Words of Affirmations” as a personal language rather than a love language and I really thought it was going to be the top of all 5. That’s because I take things that people say to heart and everything that they think or say affects me greatly.

I really think that I can tap into the 4 top love languages because they balance each other out. And maybe the reason to why I do not have one really strong love language is because of my internal conflict to see what’s portrayed as love and how to take it in. And that has resulted to me blocking the emotions out of my system.

I am afraid of/that …

So last Friday I did this self-help activity and I want to share it with you guys. I can say without stammering that I have problems — Everyone does but it’s just how you see it. I’m one being that has taken in too much negative energy around me and myself that I’m about to self-destruct. Fear has taken over my life and it’s creeping all over me.

I believe that taking out all of the negative energy can be very helpful. If I hadn’t been writing or sketching with all of my emotions, I could have ended my life 3 years ago. That, I’ll put a stamp on.

I wrote down all the things I’m afraid of and the first 2 points I wrote were about pleasing people. It just goes to show how I want to make everything right for everyone — in the image of what’s right to them. From pleasing people, I went down to the material things in life and I went way deep into my identity.

The 3 most scariest things I wrote were:

“I am afraid of  dying …(too dark to write here)”
“I am afraid that I will be unattractive to people’s eyes”
” I am afraid that I will never accept my identity and will live a life of regret”
 

It was a draining half and hour experience for me but here’s the turning point: to rewrite all the points and reject all the negative worlds and phrases like “I am afraid of …” or “not”.

So from “I am afraid of failure” I rewrote it to “I will find success in life”

You see, it’s always easy to find fault and the imperfections in life and not the positive things. So by denying all the self-doubt in those sentences, one’s able to be focused and work on the things they are having problems with.

So try this exercise out. I know there are some skeptics out there who finds this weird but it’s all right. A close friend of mine asked what I was doing and I told him about this reflection I was doing and he gave me a look of puzzlement. At the end of the day, no one else is doing the healing except for you. So, I’ve made my first step and I’m proud of it.

UNTIL NEXT TIME!!

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