Eels _ Ugly Love

It’s time for another music sharing (crowd cheers). I just came across this song by Eels, “Ugly Love, and decided to share it with all of you.

Dear cousin,
I got your letter
It was more than I thought I deserved
Well she sounds perfect, all I dream of
And I dream about so much it is absurd
But when I get there and she sees me
I’ll be impressed if she does not run screaming

My kind of love is an ugly love
But it’s real and it lasts a long, long time

I had a thought while I was sleeping
And I dreamed about a place for us to rest
Eternity under the old oak tree
But I go too far I guess
Maybe I’ll think about tomorrow
And maybe I can get her to stay that long

‘Cause my kind of love is an ugly love
But it’s real and it lasts a long, long time

And if she finds me repulsive
She wouldn’t be the first to wretch
Well I decided one day long ago
I was never gonna be the greatest catch
And if she cares about the car I drive
Then she can get in hers
The moment I arrive

‘Cause my kind of love is an ugly love
But it’s real and it lasts a long, long time

I feel such sorrow in this song as it depicts how repulsive the guy feels about himself and how he would never be perfect enough to deserve love. The things that he can offer to this lover of his is an ugly one, so unsatisfactory that it could never be turned to the purest love. It goes to show how low his self-esteem is and how he is selling himself short and hurting himself unknowingly.

I’d like to think that this song reflects my situation but almost everyone has that emphatic connection to a song they are listening to.

UNTIL NEXT TIME

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Ululate my rippling loss

I ululate at my undying laughter. The dead brine around me and its ripples diverge to infinity.

Imagine sitting by a lake with those you care for. No wind nor rain, the lake stayed dead still. It’s reflection of the sunset resonates with you. You then decide to throw a pebble and are captivated by the ripples it create. The larger it gets, the more illusive the reflection gets.

Beneath the surface lies such cold dead clay where the fishes swim. Even their scales become limp and sodden. It shed like tulip petals and float up the surface. The dourly pieces of grim stayed where they are comfortable but torn from every ripple of the lake. They drift as I wept — even my eyelashes turned into mascara lines. My eyes dangled over the lake to create another ripple.

Does your life have a ripple effect? The emotions that you feel seems as if everything else is connected to it. How we invest our time, energy, thoughts or effort will eventually affect the whole of our lives, collectively.

Embracing the little things could sometimes be the most profound things in our lives and since we are so caught up with the humdrum of life, we don’t get to appreciate the dances of the water surface and how beautiful ripples look; connecting to one another.

Besides, this is still a lesson for me for spiritual fulfillment. Don’t worry, I haven’t even planned out my bucket list.

UNTIL NEXT TIME

What was I thinking?

Here it is, fresh from the office printer. I was very excited to have it finally printed. No one has read it yet except for the significant other. And since no one else has read it yet, you might be able to sense what happened to it.

I must be the greatest fool of all to have liked to so much.

I actually wrote you a story flooded with my heart’s desires of you. Initially I thought, “I should do it, shouldn’t I? There is no better time of thing to do for you” but now, I don’t even know what to feel. I can’t believe it.

I was so stupid to think that you would like me. Well of course you’d like that other person.

I’m now in the state of hating myself. I hate my life and I wished I could be someone else.

Reading the line before this, I’m quite shocked I wrote it. But at that moment, I could have never felt worse.

So, if you want to read it I can print one out for you. It’s not even written that well anyway. I’m keeping the original copy with me although it’s like a prick in my toe because there’s always a part of me that will believe that my heart has a place in the significant other’s silver cage.

Even today, I had the ” opportunity to be free and be myself ” but at that very last minute I turned away and while I know it was the best decision, I am regretting it.

 

Stage Fright

Today my sketches have gone from fashion-like to really dark and dreary. I don’t even know why. It’s all free association.

So today we had this talk on how employees can benefit from giving good customer service. It’s really a win-win situation really; If one delivers a service with a smile, people do respond to that likewise. I tend to give really wide smiles that it can easily go from pleasing to fake.

But I’ll do a separate post on that soon.

The topic of discussion surprisingly revolved around what I’m doing (Cycling around the welfare of the people, trying to make sure that they are satisfied of their benefits and whatnot)

Well here’s the thing, I get really frightened when I’m under the spot light. I was asked a question during the talk and I froze. It’s as if the question had an undertone that paralyzed the veins in my brains, disabling me.

I already woke up today on the wrong side of the bed. (Literally, I did and banged my head against the wall and it set the tone for the rest of the day)

In the event when I don’t know the answer I’d give this really shy/shocked/puzzled look. It’s a signature look really.

1) I bite my lips

2) My eyebrows go ever so high

3) My eyes becomes like Tarsiers’

Let me invite you to Fizzyfiiz’ Interior Monologue when this happens. Or when I’m under any spotlight of that matter.

“Why me?”

I’m really cautious of what people think of me. I analyse people too much and it creates a lot of unpleasant thoughts in my head.

Also, whenever these things happens I try to be invisible. (You’ve probably tried that once during lectures) I can already picture me from a third person’s perspective looking at myself under the spotlight.

I probably look really ugly with all the flop sweat and the fake smile. I wish I could just strip this layer of insecurity that I have on.

The slight edge

It’s been said that I portray a certain evil quality that’s hard to miss. I have done a post on my evil being but haven’t really done one that justify my character. There has to be something that makes me tick and you, as will I, will find out soon.

I just realized that if I do this, I’m spreading more negative energy to all of you and that’s not what this blog is about.

For the past week I’ve been told that I was never seen angry or pissed off [this excludes my stoic and aloof time of my life] and I was questioned whether people are using that to step on me or to debase me.

Come, while I teach all of you Hafiiz’s trick to remain calm and collected.

1) Always turn that anger or negative energy  into humour

If there’s a flame flickering deep withing you, the immediate thing you want to do is to blow it out. What better emotion to drape that flame with than humour? Whenever someone says negative things about my work I usually laugh it off and divert all the negative vibe into something I find hilarious.

It is complex but if you know what I mean then great.

2) Have something to sooth your pain

For me, I need either a cup of Milo or a doze of sweet treat to relief any tension. I feel that if you’re hungry, you’re bitchy as well. Or maybe even draw. Sometimes, shutting up and doing something productive and therapeutic is better than complaining. (Not that complaining is bad, we definitely need a lot of that in life)

3) Just smile and be refrain yourself from any negativity

Do that and you can easily avoid any complications that might arise. You want to start off the day on a positive note but you talk about all your problems and start swearing at the world then you’ve just immersed yourself into a negative loophole.

(And I’m guilty of that. )

4) Don’t take it personally

Optional.

I already feel that I’m at least worth $10. Maybe $15 on a good day. So, there’s most things I can easily brush off and I can forgive. Then everything’s fine, but I never forget.

Sure you cannot deny the harsh reality but then again why do you even have to accept that? I know for sure you can choose the kind of reality you want if you believe it.

Sounds too far fetched? Well, isn’t the world already far fetched?

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